Puzzles, Perfections, and Progress

Today I wore a cape. It was my first little act of rebellion in a while. For so long I’ve struggled to branch out of my comfortable safe articles of clothing in my wardrobe and break out the spontaneous purchases. You know, the ones you try on with your friends and under normal circumstances you would leave on the hanger where it would safely remain in the dressing room until the next bold uninhibited person would find it.  For some reason I bought this cape on a whim with every intention of finding a way to wear it. Yet this morning, I found it hidden in my closet unworn and decided that perhaps today was the day. So after much debate over what people would say, I put it on, walked out of the door, and felt a little freer.

 This freedom is not from magical powers this cape has. It is much deeper than that. This freedom is birthed out of a realization that I am not bound by people’s opinions or my own uncertainties.

  For so long, I have created a safe world for myself. A world in which I wear the same clothes, style my hair in the same part, order a cheese quesadilla at every Mexican restaurant, and continue to plan my future.  The last is the main point of this entry. It’s not really about the cape, its about the action behind donning it. Its about letting go and stepping out into the uncertainties of the world.

   After a very long heart to heart with my dear friend Abby last night, I realized how rigid my future plans were formed in my mind. For so long I have dreamt and longed to live in a foreign country and do mission work overseas. I wanted to be known by doing great things for the Lord. Now at their core, those things are not sinful or wrong at all, but the problem lies in the second sentence. I wanted to be known. I wanted people to see my life and think “man she is such a cool girl, look at her heart for the Lord”. As Abby so wisely said, since when are we called to be great?  We are called to serve the Lord with our lives and do things for his glory, but the error in my thinking is that I wanted to do things for God but receive the recognition for it. I admit this is not an easy post to write because it is incredibly humbling. Regardless of my good intentions, part of me still wanted the glory. Much like my closet, I have had my life compartmentalized for quite some time. I felt comfortable with the idea I had formed in my head of my future ministry. This past semester I have been freaking out because I feel the Lord is calling me in a different direction. As much as I keep trying to put on my safe jeans and the Loft solid shirt, I felt like I was supposed to branch out a bit.  I am so thankful we serve a relentless, loving, and merciful God because I know I have been quite the stubborn child.  Something Abby reminded me of is that even good things can become idols in our lives. My future plans were just that- an idol. 

  I had this fantasy in my head of what I would be doing and I assumed that as long as I put for the Lord at the end of it, I was okay. I would travel the world and help people for the Lord.  I greatly wanted to take a semester off of college and live in a foreign country for the Lord. I wanted to adopt 12 kids for the Lord. Now hear my heart these are all GOOD things and may very well be right and what the Lord is calling people to do and that is good! If he is calling you to do this, then by all means DO IT!! Personally, as much as I would love to do these things, they were more of an escape route for me. I wanted the title that came along with them and it seemed easier to serve God in a foreign context rather than right where I am now. Perhaps the Lord does have these plans in store of my future, but then again maybe not. What I have had to ask myself is If not, will I still follow him wholeheartedly without bitterness in my heart.

For so long, I have been trying to fit pieces together of a puzzle the Lord has not designed for me.

 I pray that somehow this encourages you. No one has it all together and there is beauty in letting go. Letting go of your own plans, letting go of your own rigid schedule, and letting go of caring what others think. Next to the cape in my closet is a gold sparkly dress draped on a hanger, another one of my on-a-whim purchases. I promised myself this time, I will not wait so long to remove the tags and wear it.

A Wooded Trail and a Beautiful Friendship

Despite the whirlwind of these first few weeks back on campus, I have found freedom here. These friendships are something divine. The Lord has sovereignly and lovingly weaved the intricate threads of our lives together and He has made a beautiful thing. There is something to be said about people who will support and love you despite your brokenness. I am learning that we are all broken people; there is no need to try and hide it.  These ladies get that.  We can laugh, cry, and stay up until the sun begins to break through the sky and share life- the good and the ugly.  Although our paths begin and possibly end in different zip codes, for the present we are blessed to encourage each other and walk through this chapter of our journeys together. 

Today, I got to go on a walk with my dear friend Laura. The thing about this Laura girl is that even if its been months, when we reunite, we pick up immediately and it seems no time has passed at all. As we walked along the wooded trails next to the water, I got to see a better glimpse of her heart for people and her passions in life.  She is truly a poster child for all things Colorado and Granola. She can rock a Patagonia and some chacos with the best of them. Her life moves at this steady pace that I admire greatly. She does not feel the need to always be around people or busy herself just to seem super involved. She is content with studying at Starbucks with a venti iced coffee. She has this quiet peace about her that makes my planning, anxious self relax a bit.  

Today, she taught me to walk slower.  

I think today, I stopped to breathe for the first time in months. In the woods walking next to the water, I didn't feel the need to plan or question or find something to do. Instead, I simply took in all of God’s creation around me. I am beyond thankful for friends who continually speak truth into my life: whether with words or by their actions. So often I look for the Lord frantically as I try to find the best place to read or posture to pray in but I truly believe He watches and thinks “Rebekah, just open your eyes and breathe”  for His beauty can be found in His creation.

Some Days it Rains

 There are days that pass saturated with encouragement from people, happy prayers to God, and a complete knowledge of his presence in our lives. These days are sweet ones in which you can hear him above the street noise and the many worldly voices. On those days, smiling seems involuntary and everything seems to point to the Lord; the sun shines brightly bathing the earth with her glow, and everything is vibrant with rich hues of green, blue, and orange. The Bible is easily defendable and encouraging and our prayers are streams of gratitude and love. Jesus is a savior who loves and wants the best life for us and sometimes it seems he is begging for us to know him while God is a smiling old man in the sky. We mark our faith by the bumper stickers on our cars or our membership to a particular church.

 And then some days it rains. Not the kind you see in movies with a light sky with echoes of a soft pitter patter on tin roofs but the torrential downpour which is seemingly endless. The kind of rain that drenches, soaks you to the bone, and leaves you with chills impossible to shake off as you enter school or your workplace. Its relentlessly pelts against your windshield making it difficult to drive and unapologetically interrupts your life. Sometimes, the lists of what we are thankful for are left blank, drowned out by the number of heartaches and disappointments. A hail Mary at a football game seems more likely than hearing from God and pulling a chair up to the open Bible on the table leaves you with more doubt and confusion than answers. These are the kind of days most people are afraid of. I was told once that questioning and doubting were products of a lack of faith and were dishonoring to God. It was as if questioning the things before me would somehow hurt that great man in the Sky and shatter everything. I was afraid to ask and my prayers were filled with halfhearted phrases of gratitude and thankfulness. But the truth is, some days are hard. There are moments of pain, sorrow, immense grief, and even depression in our lives and trying to pretend they do not exist to not make them any less real. There are some things that seem impossible to believe in the Bible but I think it was designed that way. For if we simple minded beings could wrap our minds around everything written in its pages, we would not be any different from our creator. Our complete understanding would diminish his omniscience. 

  I have learned the past year that God does not need long-winded prayers filled with pithy sayings. I doubt even the Saints prayers were wrought with flowery words- for their prayers seemed too desperate for that. Miguel de Molinos wrote a piece called The Spiritual Guide Which Disentangles the Soul. In it, he mentions there are two types of prayers. "The one tender, delightful, amicable, and full of sentiments; the other obscure, dry, desolate, tempted, and darksome". He does not make note of the latter to imply one should remain in a place of aridity in spiritual life but he uses it to call out the reality of life. He calls the second the "Life of Men" belonging to those who "fight and war against their own passions" as they are sanctified. I have also learned that Jesus is not a man to be pitied; rather he is a Warrior King. He does not simply ask us to believe him and be happy. He loves us too much to let us stop there. He calls us to make a choice. It is a decision whether to continue on our own disillusioned path or to follow him. To step out onto the water and truly trust him. For in this kind of radical abandonment, we will truly know him much deeper than we would a man we praise for our personal success and prosperity. Church was never meant to be a country club for the community's socialites. Lord knows we do not need another place to parade our beautiful clothes and deliver pleasantries. Instead, it is a body of broken people like you and me who recognize their desperate need for a savior. 

 There may be times where singing about his goodness while witnessing death and suffering may be nearly impossible. Doubts may mount higher than certainties and frustrations may overcome peace and joy. But you know what? The beauty is that our creator is not just a feeble old man in the sky who calls for pretense. He is a sovereign Lord whose power and glory cannot be diminished by our questioning. He lets us come to his table and He tells us there is room. Room for our doubts and our fears. Because He is big enough for those things. 

Tattoos and Redeeming Love

        

    In this life, there is this constant “keeping up with the Jones’ mentality filled with consumerism, perfection, and constant striving to attain some thing greater than what we already have.  N.T. Wright In his book on Evil and the Suffering of God diagnoses the American and Developed World’s problem as Progress. We are obsessed with new technology and advancements and along the way, we have bought into this idea that increasing technological progress means moral and ethical progress.  When we come up against trials, wars, illness, or evil in this world, we are completely baffled by it.  We forget that evil present today in this world is the same evil that first reared its head in the Garden of Eden. The same sin that Adam and Eve committed by choosing to fracture their relationship with God to establish their own thrones is the same sin we each have committed.  There are so many theological questions that can be raised when talking about that day in Eden but the one that bewilders me is why God did not choose to destroy the first creation and start afresh.  Why is it that he punished them but still gave them a chance for life?  He could have easily started from scratch with a new creation that would adore and love him but instead, he chooses Redemption.  He sent Jesus, part of his Holy Trinity to take on every aspect of humanity.  This Jesus guy that was sent to save a people that constantly turned away from Him.  Ultimately he chooses to die for those people.  He had every opportunity to walk away and give up, but just as God did not give up on humanity in Eden, he did not give up on mankind and saved us on that momentous day in Golgotha.

            The beauty is that despite the suffering in this world, you and I are part of this story. Our life is made possible by the sacrifice of a man we can never repay.  A man that saw some thing worth redeeming in this creation. We have to remember that the very God who created the universe looks into the depths of our souls and sees something worth salvaging.  There is something mysterious about a God who sees more purpose and beauty in transforming us into a new creation rather than beginning again.  There’s a show about tattoos. The premise is that these artists will see clients who have tattoos they received on a dare or an incredibly drunken night and they turn the tattoo into something less shameful. These artists are not just ordinary but incredibly talented people.  It’s easy to simply draw a picture on a blank slate but it’s another thing to be given an image and creatively reconstruct it into a new thing entirely. I think that is what God chooses to do with us.  

                He uses the ugliness of our former lives and in his Holy creativity, he transforms  us into a new being entirely. 

            Just as the ink of a horrible smurf or ex lovers initials will still be on our skin so will the past sins be part of our story, but instead of seeing their hideous reminders, we can see the new creation God made in us.  This empowers up to tell our story with unashamed hope. 

Touched By Grace

   This past semester and summer have been among the toughest I can recall but at the same time, it has been laced with sweet reminders and divine joy.  I learned a very important lesson-one that you probably have already learned yourself but sometimes I think I learn things the difficult way. The lesson was that of sin and grace.  I think my mentor said it best that when we are not fully walking with the Lord and dying to ourself and the things of this world daily, there is no sin that we are incapable of succumbing to. I must admit that I sometimes feel invincible to some sin. When I would hear of people struggling with something, I would put it on my list and make sure it ranked higher than any of my flaws and instantly make myself feel less guilty about my own shortcomings. And like any good southern girl, I would respond with "bless her heart" and thank the Lord that was not part of my testimony. But here's the thing I have learned about this sin thing- the Lord does not have a ranking list, nor does He see one person's sin as being worse than the other. He hates all of it but the good news is that there is not a sin you can commit that cannot be covered by the blood of Christ.

   I started a book a good friend recommended and I learned something else about sin. Sometimes the tempter can come in the appearance of a Shepherd. The lies of Satan can seem so convincing.  I realized in my sin, I had myself fully convinced that what I was doing was not sinful. I tried to justify it but in the end I was simply pleading ignorance and allowing the son of the earth - Satan- to shepherd me down the slaughterhouse drive. ("Tempted and Tried"). In late Spring, I began for a few moments to see glimpses of the sin I was in but I became disconnected with God and continued to serve my own appetite instead of Him. I fully believed I was in control of it all but the thing about sin is that it will eventually be brought to light.

  One night the full weight of my filth that separated me from the Lord hit me. I found myself in a wasteland battling the lies of Satan and beginning to believe that perhaps there was no hope. As I began to doubt my worth the enemy's lies came to the forefront of my mind. Thoughts like You are insignificant...God cannot possibly use you…you are too inadequate to serve the Lord in ministry…you cannot overcome this began to cripple me. As I sat in the floor feeling wounded and worthless the only place I knew to turn was the Bible. Although at the time I could not depict what were lies and what were truths, I knew the supreme source of truth was the Word of God so I decided to begin there. To be honest, I did not even know where to start so I opened the Bible and landed in Luke chapter 7. The title on the paragraph said these words A Sinful Woman Anoints Jesus' Feet. Tears streamed down my face as I began to read the story I had read many times before and even heard in church but for the first time, it resonated with me. In the story Jesus was having dinner with a Pharisee. Verse 37 starts by saying

"When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the      Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.  When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself 'If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is- that she is a sinner'"

  I am certainly not a biblical scholar and there are so many things I do not understand but as I read this so many things came to my mind. The first is that this woman knew she was a sinner and in the wrong and she sought out Jesus. Many times when we are caught up in sin, we let our guilt cripple us and prevent us from coming before the one who has the power to wash us and make us white as snow, but this woman got it. We are not told how she knew he was there or all of the details but we do know that she heard about this Jesus guy and knew she needed to find him- that he was the only one who could forgive her sins. Secondly, it says she brought her alabaster jar. Many believe this jar was probably used for her job as a prostitute. She took this jar of perfume and she poured it out on his feet which symbolizes that she is through with her life in sin and is emptying it all out completely before Christ. As I read this passage I could identify with this woman. I recognized the sin in my life and knew the only one that could free me from it was Christ, but I still struggled with boldly coming before the throne of grace with confidence. As I read verse 38 that said she stood at his feet weeping and "she began to wet his feet with tears" my own tears flowed freely onto the pages of Luke. When I saw how the Pharisee looked at her and saw her sin and questioned Jesus' character, a knot formed in my throat and the invading lies began again for how could I dare to come before Jesus, my sin would surely mar his name. Jesus had every reason to walk away from that woman just as he has every reason to leave me in my sin. He gains nothing by associating with sinners in the eyes of men. But friends we cannot stop here. For this woman's story is not over yet just as mine had not ended. The beauty of the gospel-of the truths of Christ- is that He did not desert her nor will he desert you or I. Instead a few verses down he turned to Simon and said

"Do you not see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little"

   Such freedom to be found in these words uttered from the mouth of a loving savior- a sacrificial lamb. As I read this I thought perhaps my story is not over yet- just as your story is not over. I do not know where this finds you but I pray whatever battle you are fighting or sin you find yourself entangled it, you will see the beauty of this text and let it wash over you. This woman brought all she had and laid it before her Savior and you know what He did, he forgave her. He even praised her to the people who mocked her. Thats what He is doing in our lives as well. When we come before Him, he forgives us (what a beautiful word) and speaks against Satan's lies that we are worthless. Instead He calls us His Beloved. In Genesis it says the Lord saw all He had made and saw that it was very good. Because the Lord is omnipresent and can see the past, present, and future, I like to think He saw all of us on that day. He saw us as a baby and he saw the sins we would commit and you know what, he still said it was good because the story does not stop there.  We also have to remember that many many years ago, a man was put on the cross and willingly died the worst imaginable death for us.

   This summer for the first time the meaning of the cross truly resonated with me. It's not just a historical event or something we celebrate once a year nor was it just for certain people in that time period. Christ's death radically effects everyone. I pray you realize as I did the wonderful meaning of grace. As I kept rereading the story of the woman with the alabaster jar it hit me as I read the words of Jesus as he said to her "woman you are forgiven. Go in peace" I remember crying even harder as I could feel my Savior whispering these same words to my heart. I realized that as the nails were put into Christ's hands, my sin was there. As he was beaten and pierced through with a rod, my sin was there too propelling the abuse. I saw the sins he came to die for and carry, and mine was there. But the most beautiful part was that the blood that flowed on the cross that day also flowed and covered my own sins and by His wounds I am healed. Dear friend, find solace and hope in this. Rest in his grace and remember that despite the lies of the enemy, you are His beloved- by His wounds you are healed.