I’m sorry she says. Im sorry,- I really am those were the words that continued in streams out of her mouth like a broken record between silent sobs and deep breaths. I continued to watch as tears rolled down her cheeks leaving a glistening trail before they were swiped away by a tissue. As I stared down at her half-eaten tray of eggs and glanced at the hospital bracelet that adorned her arm, all I could do was allow my tears to flow freely with hers.

Cancer. That was the word. It was a powerful one that was wrecking her world. It left her weak, hurting, and partially blind.  Yet in that room, I felt this almost blind woman saw more than most of us.  I realized I had nothing to offer this woman.  I could not cure her nor did I have words that would be of true value.  Instead, all I could offer her was my presence and a safe space to cry.  As I held her hand between tears, I felt the Lord telling me to let her cry. Often we don’t know what to do with tears. Generally we turn to humor, a story, or diversion to make them stop, but in that sterile room, I knew she needed it. Her soul needed it. So I told her the very words Jesus spoke to my heart at my weakest moment. Don’t apologize for those tears. Tears are good for your soul. Those tears aren’t going to scare me away, and you know what, they won’t scare God away either. He’s big enough for them.  Her eyes met mine and I saw those tears that were once despised now flow freely turning into healing rain.  Ive tried to be strong, so strong. Ive fought, but im weary now.  These vulnerable words tumbled out in broken streams and I saw how courageous, brave, and strong this woman before me was.

I realized something in that moment of admittance, I never once saw weakness. Instead, I saw a place for the Lord.  I saw a woman with a battle much too large to fight on her own but faith in a God who could handle it.  She never once blamed Him or questioned it although she had every right to. And in that confession of weariness, I felt space was made in that room for God. There was a holy meeting in that room.  One much grander and beautiful than any I’ve ever witnessed.  There were no pews, big screens, flashing lights, or eloquent sermons delivered.  Instead, there was a woman who humbled herself before the Lord and brought her tears as an offering before the Lord.  Her confession became her song, and as He filled the room, healing was brought to her soul.

As I left the room that day, I realized that holy meeting wasn’t just for her. God used that room and that beautiful woman to show me that I can let go.  I do not have to have all of the answers or do everything on my own.  Until now, Ive felt that if I trusted God, I had to be strong.  If I grew weary or discouraged, it would just show people that I didn’t really trust God could do it. The truth is that it is when I am weak the Lord is strong.  I’ve heard that phrase for as long as I can remember and I’ve written on many bathroom mirrors and post-its. Yet after I left that room, I saw it in a different way.  I realized that sometimes my own failure is ok.  If I cannot do it, people wont judge my lack of faith or relationship with God. Instead, they will see that I am human and in need of a savior as much as the next person.  I do not have to have it all together.  Some days, I can cry and feel the full weight of my human limitedness and use those tears as an offering to God. If anything good comes from my life, it is not because I am a good student and work hard, or because I try to be nice to people, or even because I deserve it.  It is only because the Lord moved in my life.  I cannot stop thinking about that woman and praising God for her.  She felt the Lord in such a beautiful, intimate way that has rocked me to my core.  She allowed him into that space with all of her brokenness, pain, heaviness, and worries on the table.  It all laid out before her right next to the half-eaten eggs and stale biscuits and instead of cowering shamefully behind it, she opened her heart that day and let him take everything on that table.  She gave it to him freely and trusted Him with it.  She didn’t ask him for a bargain or for an answer.  She just praised Him and let me hold her hand while we worshipped Him in that place.