I’m sorry she says. Im sorry,- I really am those were the words that continued in streams out of her mouth like a broken record between silent sobs and deep breaths. I continued to watch as tears rolled down her cheeks leaving a glistening trail before they were swiped away by a tissue. As I stared down at her half-eaten tray of eggs and glanced at the hospital bracelet that adorned her arm, all I could do was allow my tears to flow freely with hers.

Cancer. That was the word. It was a powerful one that was wrecking her world. It left her weak, hurting, and partially blind.  Yet in that room, I felt this almost blind woman saw more than most of us.  I realized I had nothing to offer this woman.  I could not cure her nor did I have words that would be of true value.  Instead, all I could offer her was my presence and a safe space to cry.  As I held her hand between tears, I felt the Lord telling me to let her cry. Often we don’t know what to do with tears. Generally we turn to humor, a story, or diversion to make them stop, but in that sterile room, I knew she needed it. Her soul needed it. So I told her the very words Jesus spoke to my heart at my weakest moment. Don’t apologize for those tears. Tears are good for your soul. Those tears aren’t going to scare me away, and you know what, they won’t scare God away either. He’s big enough for them.  Her eyes met mine and I saw those tears that were once despised now flow freely turning into healing rain.  Ive tried to be strong, so strong. Ive fought, but im weary now.  These vulnerable words tumbled out in broken streams and I saw how courageous, brave, and strong this woman before me was.

I realized something in that moment of admittance, I never once saw weakness. Instead, I saw a place for the Lord.  I saw a woman with a battle much too large to fight on her own but faith in a God who could handle it.  She never once blamed Him or questioned it although she had every right to. And in that confession of weariness, I felt space was made in that room for God. There was a holy meeting in that room.  One much grander and beautiful than any I’ve ever witnessed.  There were no pews, big screens, flashing lights, or eloquent sermons delivered.  Instead, there was a woman who humbled herself before the Lord and brought her tears as an offering before the Lord.  Her confession became her song, and as He filled the room, healing was brought to her soul.

As I left the room that day, I realized that holy meeting wasn’t just for her. God used that room and that beautiful woman to show me that I can let go.  I do not have to have all of the answers or do everything on my own.  Until now, Ive felt that if I trusted God, I had to be strong.  If I grew weary or discouraged, it would just show people that I didn’t really trust God could do it. The truth is that it is when I am weak the Lord is strong.  I’ve heard that phrase for as long as I can remember and I’ve written on many bathroom mirrors and post-its. Yet after I left that room, I saw it in a different way.  I realized that sometimes my own failure is ok.  If I cannot do it, people wont judge my lack of faith or relationship with God. Instead, they will see that I am human and in need of a savior as much as the next person.  I do not have to have it all together.  Some days, I can cry and feel the full weight of my human limitedness and use those tears as an offering to God. If anything good comes from my life, it is not because I am a good student and work hard, or because I try to be nice to people, or even because I deserve it.  It is only because the Lord moved in my life.  I cannot stop thinking about that woman and praising God for her.  She felt the Lord in such a beautiful, intimate way that has rocked me to my core.  She allowed him into that space with all of her brokenness, pain, heaviness, and worries on the table.  It all laid out before her right next to the half-eaten eggs and stale biscuits and instead of cowering shamefully behind it, she opened her heart that day and let him take everything on that table.  She gave it to him freely and trusted Him with it.  She didn’t ask him for a bargain or for an answer.  She just praised Him and let me hold her hand while we worshipped Him in that place.

Living in Surrender

I think I’ve spend much time trying to live a good Christian life.  You know, the kind where you sign up for 3 Bible Studies, wear those great Christian logo T-shirts, instagram pics of the morning's psalm, tweet the latest jesus calling, and drink coffee like its water.  For the majority of the past 20 years Ive spent on this earth, I learned the motions and cool songs for VBS, I donned my "I'm a princess and Daughter of a Great King" T-shirt, I advocated "Modest is Hottest" and I remained single because I was dating Jesus. These things alone are not bad but this year I realized that this is not exactly what I am called to. These are not the foundation and essence of my walk with the Lord. I think I always knew some aspect of this was skewed.  As a child, my mom forced me to put on the little red vest and attend Awanas at a church wherever we lived. I remember failing at every game during rec because some part of me has never been coordinated enough to play kickball.  At every "sword drill" I was one of the last to find the book called out- I mean what kids knows where Haggai is anyway? Week after week I would try to recite the memory verse but I somehow always messed up a word or line and never could make it past the first few pages. I would walk dejectedly out of the room with my crown which contained only one jewel I got for completing the introduction book while I stood next to my friends who had enough bling to blind someone.  I swear one girl had to buy another vest to hold all of her crowns. After a year, I begged my mom to stop making me go. There were tears, pleading, and eventually after many weeks, she packed my red vest away in a box on the closet shelf and I was free. 

Please hear my heart when I say that Awanas really was not awful and it is a great tool for teaching kids about the Bible. It wasn't the program itself but my heart and attitude in doing it.  There are many times I wish I had continued but I have realized something.  I have spent the last 5 years living my life as if I was still in Awanas instead of surrendering my life to a King.  I will not get jewels in my crown in heaven based on how many verses I memorized or how many friends I brought to church. My membership in the body of Christ is not based upon my abilities, my knowledge, or my actions to abstain from "worldly" things. Jesus certainly is not my homeboy and I was never "dating" him.  He's much grander and Holier than that.  He doesn't just want my participation in church events or my pledge to listen to only Christian music- He demands my absolute allegiance to his sovereignty.  I do not have to pretend my life is perfect or that I am without sin. His love is not depended upon me simply living a "good Christian" life. 

 No matter how much effort I put into it, I will always fall short of good because there are days when sin is rampant and I am inherently not good. So although this sounds great in theory, in reality it only leaves a wake of hypocrisy, masking, and guilt. Instead, I think I just want to live a life. One that some Gracious God called me to before my first heart beat. I’m listening to this song and the line says “tomorrow’s freedom is today’s surrender”. I think that’s the way I want to live. In surrender. Because in surrender, you recognize the sin that keeps you from joy, and you look it in the face, and hand it over to an outstretched hand of a Lord. And sometimes when its hard to tare your gaze from that sin that won’t let you go, you avert your eyes and in perfect divine timing, your eyes land on those outstretched hands. And you notice there are scars. Scars made to die for that sin. Scars made to die for you. I think as long as we try to pretend to live a good Christian life, we miss this act of surrender because we convince ourselves we have nothing to give up.  But if that were the case, then those scars are for naught. 

Because Sometimes God Says No

“The man who had been demon possessed begged to go with him. Jesus did not let him but said “Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you and how He has had mercy on you.”

            I have read this story many times but this time I saw it with fresh eyes. Chapter 5 of Mark gives the account of a Demon possessed man who is healed by Jesus.  This story shows the authority of Christ over all as even the demons recognized him as the Son of the Most High.  At this point in his life, only the spirits had truly recognized him as the great Messiah King. He heals the demon-possessed man and it is a beautiful picture of Christ freeing us from our sin.  However the story does not stop there.  In verses 18 and 19 the man begs to travel with Jesus but notice Jesus response.

He said no.

I think we portray God sometimes as a Yes man.  If it seems right and good we assume his answer will be yes because after all He wants us to be happy right? I like to hold to this view of my Lord because it sits better with me.  This healed man simply wanted to continue with Christ.  He had gone through so much and his plea seemed honorable. Surely Jesus would grant him that wish.  I’m sure the man could even envision following Jesus and telling others his story of freedom along the way, yet this is not what happens in the story. Instead, Jesus told him to stay. This can seem harsh but when we look at Mark in its entirety, we see that Jesus knew what this man would face when he would return to his family.  Jesus’ own family (Mark 3:20) thought he was crazy.  He knew and understood staying would be difficult.  He even returned to his own town in Mark 6 and endured the challenges, but the demon-possessed man staying was part of his plan to reach the people in the region of Gerasene.  Even though the man did not want to go back, he was to tell his own family of God’s mercy in his life. In my own life, this is a fear I have.  That I will want to go somewhere and do something and the Lord has other plans.

Because sometimes God says no.

Like he said no to David when he asked to build his temple. Like he said no to this possessed man who wanted to go and follow Jesus. But sometimes following Jesus means staying.

It man mean going back and facing the haunted land and part you want so badly to escape.  Sometimes deliverance comes in the form of remaining.  In the case of this man in Mark, it was a spiritual deliverance- not a physical relocation.  Jesus knew the difficulty he would have in looking his family in the face and seeing his former life in their eyes.  But this time, his return would be different.  He had been healed. Freed from bondage.  He had received unmerited mercy. And He had a story.

The man obediently went and proclaimed his mercy story to his family in Decapolis… and in the wake of his redemption song was a people group who were left in amazement.

Puzzles, Perfections, and Progress

Today I wore a cape. It was my first little act of rebellion in a while. For so long I’ve struggled to branch out of my comfortable safe articles of clothing in my wardrobe and break out the spontaneous purchases. You know, the ones you try on with your friends and under normal circumstances you would leave on the hanger where it would safely remain in the dressing room until the next bold uninhibited person would find it.  For some reason I bought this cape on a whim with every intention of finding a way to wear it. Yet this morning, I found it hidden in my closet unworn and decided that perhaps today was the day. So after much debate over what people would say, I put it on, walked out of the door, and felt a little freer.

 This freedom is not from magical powers this cape has. It is much deeper than that. This freedom is birthed out of a realization that I am not bound by people’s opinions or my own uncertainties.

  For so long, I have created a safe world for myself. A world in which I wear the same clothes, style my hair in the same part, order a cheese quesadilla at every Mexican restaurant, and continue to plan my future.  The last is the main point of this entry. It’s not really about the cape, its about the action behind donning it. Its about letting go and stepping out into the uncertainties of the world.

   After a very long heart to heart with my dear friend Abby last night, I realized how rigid my future plans were formed in my mind. For so long I have dreamt and longed to live in a foreign country and do mission work overseas. I wanted to be known by doing great things for the Lord. Now at their core, those things are not sinful or wrong at all, but the problem lies in the second sentence. I wanted to be known. I wanted people to see my life and think “man she is such a cool girl, look at her heart for the Lord”. As Abby so wisely said, since when are we called to be great?  We are called to serve the Lord with our lives and do things for his glory, but the error in my thinking is that I wanted to do things for God but receive the recognition for it. I admit this is not an easy post to write because it is incredibly humbling. Regardless of my good intentions, part of me still wanted the glory. Much like my closet, I have had my life compartmentalized for quite some time. I felt comfortable with the idea I had formed in my head of my future ministry. This past semester I have been freaking out because I feel the Lord is calling me in a different direction. As much as I keep trying to put on my safe jeans and the Loft solid shirt, I felt like I was supposed to branch out a bit.  I am so thankful we serve a relentless, loving, and merciful God because I know I have been quite the stubborn child.  Something Abby reminded me of is that even good things can become idols in our lives. My future plans were just that- an idol. 

  I had this fantasy in my head of what I would be doing and I assumed that as long as I put for the Lord at the end of it, I was okay. I would travel the world and help people for the Lord.  I greatly wanted to take a semester off of college and live in a foreign country for the Lord. I wanted to adopt 12 kids for the Lord. Now hear my heart these are all GOOD things and may very well be right and what the Lord is calling people to do and that is good! If he is calling you to do this, then by all means DO IT!! Personally, as much as I would love to do these things, they were more of an escape route for me. I wanted the title that came along with them and it seemed easier to serve God in a foreign context rather than right where I am now. Perhaps the Lord does have these plans in store of my future, but then again maybe not. What I have had to ask myself is If not, will I still follow him wholeheartedly without bitterness in my heart.

For so long, I have been trying to fit pieces together of a puzzle the Lord has not designed for me.

 I pray that somehow this encourages you. No one has it all together and there is beauty in letting go. Letting go of your own plans, letting go of your own rigid schedule, and letting go of caring what others think. Next to the cape in my closet is a gold sparkly dress draped on a hanger, another one of my on-a-whim purchases. I promised myself this time, I will not wait so long to remove the tags and wear it.

A Wooded Trail and a Beautiful Friendship

Despite the whirlwind of these first few weeks back on campus, I have found freedom here. These friendships are something divine. The Lord has sovereignly and lovingly weaved the intricate threads of our lives together and He has made a beautiful thing. There is something to be said about people who will support and love you despite your brokenness. I am learning that we are all broken people; there is no need to try and hide it.  These ladies get that.  We can laugh, cry, and stay up until the sun begins to break through the sky and share life- the good and the ugly.  Although our paths begin and possibly end in different zip codes, for the present we are blessed to encourage each other and walk through this chapter of our journeys together. 

Today, I got to go on a walk with my dear friend Laura. The thing about this Laura girl is that even if its been months, when we reunite, we pick up immediately and it seems no time has passed at all. As we walked along the wooded trails next to the water, I got to see a better glimpse of her heart for people and her passions in life.  She is truly a poster child for all things Colorado and Granola. She can rock a Patagonia and some chacos with the best of them. Her life moves at this steady pace that I admire greatly. She does not feel the need to always be around people or busy herself just to seem super involved. She is content with studying at Starbucks with a venti iced coffee. She has this quiet peace about her that makes my planning, anxious self relax a bit.  

Today, she taught me to walk slower.  

I think today, I stopped to breathe for the first time in months. In the woods walking next to the water, I didn't feel the need to plan or question or find something to do. Instead, I simply took in all of God’s creation around me. I am beyond thankful for friends who continually speak truth into my life: whether with words or by their actions. So often I look for the Lord frantically as I try to find the best place to read or posture to pray in but I truly believe He watches and thinks “Rebekah, just open your eyes and breathe”  for His beauty can be found in His creation.

Some Days it Rains

 There are days that pass saturated with encouragement from people, happy prayers to God, and a complete knowledge of his presence in our lives. These days are sweet ones in which you can hear him above the street noise and the many worldly voices. On those days, smiling seems involuntary and everything seems to point to the Lord; the sun shines brightly bathing the earth with her glow, and everything is vibrant with rich hues of green, blue, and orange. The Bible is easily defendable and encouraging and our prayers are streams of gratitude and love. Jesus is a savior who loves and wants the best life for us and sometimes it seems he is begging for us to know him while God is a smiling old man in the sky. We mark our faith by the bumper stickers on our cars or our membership to a particular church.

 And then some days it rains. Not the kind you see in movies with a light sky with echoes of a soft pitter patter on tin roofs but the torrential downpour which is seemingly endless. The kind of rain that drenches, soaks you to the bone, and leaves you with chills impossible to shake off as you enter school or your workplace. Its relentlessly pelts against your windshield making it difficult to drive and unapologetically interrupts your life. Sometimes, the lists of what we are thankful for are left blank, drowned out by the number of heartaches and disappointments. A hail Mary at a football game seems more likely than hearing from God and pulling a chair up to the open Bible on the table leaves you with more doubt and confusion than answers. These are the kind of days most people are afraid of. I was told once that questioning and doubting were products of a lack of faith and were dishonoring to God. It was as if questioning the things before me would somehow hurt that great man in the Sky and shatter everything. I was afraid to ask and my prayers were filled with halfhearted phrases of gratitude and thankfulness. But the truth is, some days are hard. There are moments of pain, sorrow, immense grief, and even depression in our lives and trying to pretend they do not exist to not make them any less real. There are some things that seem impossible to believe in the Bible but I think it was designed that way. For if we simple minded beings could wrap our minds around everything written in its pages, we would not be any different from our creator. Our complete understanding would diminish his omniscience. 

  I have learned the past year that God does not need long-winded prayers filled with pithy sayings. I doubt even the Saints prayers were wrought with flowery words- for their prayers seemed too desperate for that. Miguel de Molinos wrote a piece called The Spiritual Guide Which Disentangles the Soul. In it, he mentions there are two types of prayers. "The one tender, delightful, amicable, and full of sentiments; the other obscure, dry, desolate, tempted, and darksome". He does not make note of the latter to imply one should remain in a place of aridity in spiritual life but he uses it to call out the reality of life. He calls the second the "Life of Men" belonging to those who "fight and war against their own passions" as they are sanctified. I have also learned that Jesus is not a man to be pitied; rather he is a Warrior King. He does not simply ask us to believe him and be happy. He loves us too much to let us stop there. He calls us to make a choice. It is a decision whether to continue on our own disillusioned path or to follow him. To step out onto the water and truly trust him. For in this kind of radical abandonment, we will truly know him much deeper than we would a man we praise for our personal success and prosperity. Church was never meant to be a country club for the community's socialites. Lord knows we do not need another place to parade our beautiful clothes and deliver pleasantries. Instead, it is a body of broken people like you and me who recognize their desperate need for a savior. 

 There may be times where singing about his goodness while witnessing death and suffering may be nearly impossible. Doubts may mount higher than certainties and frustrations may overcome peace and joy. But you know what? The beauty is that our creator is not just a feeble old man in the sky who calls for pretense. He is a sovereign Lord whose power and glory cannot be diminished by our questioning. He lets us come to his table and He tells us there is room. Room for our doubts and our fears. Because He is big enough for those things. 

Tattoos and Redeeming Love

        

    In this life, there is this constant “keeping up with the Jones’ mentality filled with consumerism, perfection, and constant striving to attain some thing greater than what we already have.  N.T. Wright In his book on Evil and the Suffering of God diagnoses the American and Developed World’s problem as Progress. We are obsessed with new technology and advancements and along the way, we have bought into this idea that increasing technological progress means moral and ethical progress.  When we come up against trials, wars, illness, or evil in this world, we are completely baffled by it.  We forget that evil present today in this world is the same evil that first reared its head in the Garden of Eden. The same sin that Adam and Eve committed by choosing to fracture their relationship with God to establish their own thrones is the same sin we each have committed.  There are so many theological questions that can be raised when talking about that day in Eden but the one that bewilders me is why God did not choose to destroy the first creation and start afresh.  Why is it that he punished them but still gave them a chance for life?  He could have easily started from scratch with a new creation that would adore and love him but instead, he chooses Redemption.  He sent Jesus, part of his Holy Trinity to take on every aspect of humanity.  This Jesus guy that was sent to save a people that constantly turned away from Him.  Ultimately he chooses to die for those people.  He had every opportunity to walk away and give up, but just as God did not give up on humanity in Eden, he did not give up on mankind and saved us on that momentous day in Golgotha.

            The beauty is that despite the suffering in this world, you and I are part of this story. Our life is made possible by the sacrifice of a man we can never repay.  A man that saw some thing worth redeeming in this creation. We have to remember that the very God who created the universe looks into the depths of our souls and sees something worth salvaging.  There is something mysterious about a God who sees more purpose and beauty in transforming us into a new creation rather than beginning again.  There’s a show about tattoos. The premise is that these artists will see clients who have tattoos they received on a dare or an incredibly drunken night and they turn the tattoo into something less shameful. These artists are not just ordinary but incredibly talented people.  It’s easy to simply draw a picture on a blank slate but it’s another thing to be given an image and creatively reconstruct it into a new thing entirely. I think that is what God chooses to do with us.  

                He uses the ugliness of our former lives and in his Holy creativity, he transforms  us into a new being entirely. 

            Just as the ink of a horrible smurf or ex lovers initials will still be on our skin so will the past sins be part of our story, but instead of seeing their hideous reminders, we can see the new creation God made in us.  This empowers up to tell our story with unashamed hope. 

Touched By Grace

   This past semester and summer have been among the toughest I can recall but at the same time, it has been laced with sweet reminders and divine joy.  I learned a very important lesson-one that you probably have already learned yourself but sometimes I think I learn things the difficult way. The lesson was that of sin and grace.  I think my mentor said it best that when we are not fully walking with the Lord and dying to ourself and the things of this world daily, there is no sin that we are incapable of succumbing to. I must admit that I sometimes feel invincible to some sin. When I would hear of people struggling with something, I would put it on my list and make sure it ranked higher than any of my flaws and instantly make myself feel less guilty about my own shortcomings. And like any good southern girl, I would respond with "bless her heart" and thank the Lord that was not part of my testimony. But here's the thing I have learned about this sin thing- the Lord does not have a ranking list, nor does He see one person's sin as being worse than the other. He hates all of it but the good news is that there is not a sin you can commit that cannot be covered by the blood of Christ.

   I started a book a good friend recommended and I learned something else about sin. Sometimes the tempter can come in the appearance of a Shepherd. The lies of Satan can seem so convincing.  I realized in my sin, I had myself fully convinced that what I was doing was not sinful. I tried to justify it but in the end I was simply pleading ignorance and allowing the son of the earth - Satan- to shepherd me down the slaughterhouse drive. ("Tempted and Tried"). In late Spring, I began for a few moments to see glimpses of the sin I was in but I became disconnected with God and continued to serve my own appetite instead of Him. I fully believed I was in control of it all but the thing about sin is that it will eventually be brought to light.

  One night the full weight of my filth that separated me from the Lord hit me. I found myself in a wasteland battling the lies of Satan and beginning to believe that perhaps there was no hope. As I began to doubt my worth the enemy's lies came to the forefront of my mind. Thoughts like You are insignificant...God cannot possibly use you…you are too inadequate to serve the Lord in ministry…you cannot overcome this began to cripple me. As I sat in the floor feeling wounded and worthless the only place I knew to turn was the Bible. Although at the time I could not depict what were lies and what were truths, I knew the supreme source of truth was the Word of God so I decided to begin there. To be honest, I did not even know where to start so I opened the Bible and landed in Luke chapter 7. The title on the paragraph said these words A Sinful Woman Anoints Jesus' Feet. Tears streamed down my face as I began to read the story I had read many times before and even heard in church but for the first time, it resonated with me. In the story Jesus was having dinner with a Pharisee. Verse 37 starts by saying

"When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the      Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.  When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself 'If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is- that she is a sinner'"

  I am certainly not a biblical scholar and there are so many things I do not understand but as I read this so many things came to my mind. The first is that this woman knew she was a sinner and in the wrong and she sought out Jesus. Many times when we are caught up in sin, we let our guilt cripple us and prevent us from coming before the one who has the power to wash us and make us white as snow, but this woman got it. We are not told how she knew he was there or all of the details but we do know that she heard about this Jesus guy and knew she needed to find him- that he was the only one who could forgive her sins. Secondly, it says she brought her alabaster jar. Many believe this jar was probably used for her job as a prostitute. She took this jar of perfume and she poured it out on his feet which symbolizes that she is through with her life in sin and is emptying it all out completely before Christ. As I read this passage I could identify with this woman. I recognized the sin in my life and knew the only one that could free me from it was Christ, but I still struggled with boldly coming before the throne of grace with confidence. As I read verse 38 that said she stood at his feet weeping and "she began to wet his feet with tears" my own tears flowed freely onto the pages of Luke. When I saw how the Pharisee looked at her and saw her sin and questioned Jesus' character, a knot formed in my throat and the invading lies began again for how could I dare to come before Jesus, my sin would surely mar his name. Jesus had every reason to walk away from that woman just as he has every reason to leave me in my sin. He gains nothing by associating with sinners in the eyes of men. But friends we cannot stop here. For this woman's story is not over yet just as mine had not ended. The beauty of the gospel-of the truths of Christ- is that He did not desert her nor will he desert you or I. Instead a few verses down he turned to Simon and said

"Do you not see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little"

   Such freedom to be found in these words uttered from the mouth of a loving savior- a sacrificial lamb. As I read this I thought perhaps my story is not over yet- just as your story is not over. I do not know where this finds you but I pray whatever battle you are fighting or sin you find yourself entangled it, you will see the beauty of this text and let it wash over you. This woman brought all she had and laid it before her Savior and you know what He did, he forgave her. He even praised her to the people who mocked her. Thats what He is doing in our lives as well. When we come before Him, he forgives us (what a beautiful word) and speaks against Satan's lies that we are worthless. Instead He calls us His Beloved. In Genesis it says the Lord saw all He had made and saw that it was very good. Because the Lord is omnipresent and can see the past, present, and future, I like to think He saw all of us on that day. He saw us as a baby and he saw the sins we would commit and you know what, he still said it was good because the story does not stop there.  We also have to remember that many many years ago, a man was put on the cross and willingly died the worst imaginable death for us.

   This summer for the first time the meaning of the cross truly resonated with me. It's not just a historical event or something we celebrate once a year nor was it just for certain people in that time period. Christ's death radically effects everyone. I pray you realize as I did the wonderful meaning of grace. As I kept rereading the story of the woman with the alabaster jar it hit me as I read the words of Jesus as he said to her "woman you are forgiven. Go in peace" I remember crying even harder as I could feel my Savior whispering these same words to my heart. I realized that as the nails were put into Christ's hands, my sin was there. As he was beaten and pierced through with a rod, my sin was there too propelling the abuse. I saw the sins he came to die for and carry, and mine was there. But the most beautiful part was that the blood that flowed on the cross that day also flowed and covered my own sins and by His wounds I am healed. Dear friend, find solace and hope in this. Rest in his grace and remember that despite the lies of the enemy, you are His beloved- by His wounds you are healed.