Because Sometimes God Says No

“The man who had been demon possessed begged to go with him. Jesus did not let him but said “Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you and how He has had mercy on you.”

            I have read this story many times but this time I saw it with fresh eyes. Chapter 5 of Mark gives the account of a Demon possessed man who is healed by Jesus.  This story shows the authority of Christ over all as even the demons recognized him as the Son of the Most High.  At this point in his life, only the spirits had truly recognized him as the great Messiah King. He heals the demon-possessed man and it is a beautiful picture of Christ freeing us from our sin.  However the story does not stop there.  In verses 18 and 19 the man begs to travel with Jesus but notice Jesus response.

He said no.

I think we portray God sometimes as a Yes man.  If it seems right and good we assume his answer will be yes because after all He wants us to be happy right? I like to hold to this view of my Lord because it sits better with me.  This healed man simply wanted to continue with Christ.  He had gone through so much and his plea seemed honorable. Surely Jesus would grant him that wish.  I’m sure the man could even envision following Jesus and telling others his story of freedom along the way, yet this is not what happens in the story. Instead, Jesus told him to stay. This can seem harsh but when we look at Mark in its entirety, we see that Jesus knew what this man would face when he would return to his family.  Jesus’ own family (Mark 3:20) thought he was crazy.  He knew and understood staying would be difficult.  He even returned to his own town in Mark 6 and endured the challenges, but the demon-possessed man staying was part of his plan to reach the people in the region of Gerasene.  Even though the man did not want to go back, he was to tell his own family of God’s mercy in his life. In my own life, this is a fear I have.  That I will want to go somewhere and do something and the Lord has other plans.

Because sometimes God says no.

Like he said no to David when he asked to build his temple. Like he said no to this possessed man who wanted to go and follow Jesus. But sometimes following Jesus means staying.

It man mean going back and facing the haunted land and part you want so badly to escape.  Sometimes deliverance comes in the form of remaining.  In the case of this man in Mark, it was a spiritual deliverance- not a physical relocation.  Jesus knew the difficulty he would have in looking his family in the face and seeing his former life in their eyes.  But this time, his return would be different.  He had been healed. Freed from bondage.  He had received unmerited mercy. And He had a story.

The man obediently went and proclaimed his mercy story to his family in Decapolis… and in the wake of his redemption song was a people group who were left in amazement.

Puzzles, Perfections, and Progress

Today I wore a cape. It was my first little act of rebellion in a while. For so long I’ve struggled to branch out of my comfortable safe articles of clothing in my wardrobe and break out the spontaneous purchases. You know, the ones you try on with your friends and under normal circumstances you would leave on the hanger where it would safely remain in the dressing room until the next bold uninhibited person would find it.  For some reason I bought this cape on a whim with every intention of finding a way to wear it. Yet this morning, I found it hidden in my closet unworn and decided that perhaps today was the day. So after much debate over what people would say, I put it on, walked out of the door, and felt a little freer.

 This freedom is not from magical powers this cape has. It is much deeper than that. This freedom is birthed out of a realization that I am not bound by people’s opinions or my own uncertainties.

  For so long, I have created a safe world for myself. A world in which I wear the same clothes, style my hair in the same part, order a cheese quesadilla at every Mexican restaurant, and continue to plan my future.  The last is the main point of this entry. It’s not really about the cape, its about the action behind donning it. Its about letting go and stepping out into the uncertainties of the world.

   After a very long heart to heart with my dear friend Abby last night, I realized how rigid my future plans were formed in my mind. For so long I have dreamt and longed to live in a foreign country and do mission work overseas. I wanted to be known by doing great things for the Lord. Now at their core, those things are not sinful or wrong at all, but the problem lies in the second sentence. I wanted to be known. I wanted people to see my life and think “man she is such a cool girl, look at her heart for the Lord”. As Abby so wisely said, since when are we called to be great?  We are called to serve the Lord with our lives and do things for his glory, but the error in my thinking is that I wanted to do things for God but receive the recognition for it. I admit this is not an easy post to write because it is incredibly humbling. Regardless of my good intentions, part of me still wanted the glory. Much like my closet, I have had my life compartmentalized for quite some time. I felt comfortable with the idea I had formed in my head of my future ministry. This past semester I have been freaking out because I feel the Lord is calling me in a different direction. As much as I keep trying to put on my safe jeans and the Loft solid shirt, I felt like I was supposed to branch out a bit.  I am so thankful we serve a relentless, loving, and merciful God because I know I have been quite the stubborn child.  Something Abby reminded me of is that even good things can become idols in our lives. My future plans were just that- an idol. 

  I had this fantasy in my head of what I would be doing and I assumed that as long as I put for the Lord at the end of it, I was okay. I would travel the world and help people for the Lord.  I greatly wanted to take a semester off of college and live in a foreign country for the Lord. I wanted to adopt 12 kids for the Lord. Now hear my heart these are all GOOD things and may very well be right and what the Lord is calling people to do and that is good! If he is calling you to do this, then by all means DO IT!! Personally, as much as I would love to do these things, they were more of an escape route for me. I wanted the title that came along with them and it seemed easier to serve God in a foreign context rather than right where I am now. Perhaps the Lord does have these plans in store of my future, but then again maybe not. What I have had to ask myself is If not, will I still follow him wholeheartedly without bitterness in my heart.

For so long, I have been trying to fit pieces together of a puzzle the Lord has not designed for me.

 I pray that somehow this encourages you. No one has it all together and there is beauty in letting go. Letting go of your own plans, letting go of your own rigid schedule, and letting go of caring what others think. Next to the cape in my closet is a gold sparkly dress draped on a hanger, another one of my on-a-whim purchases. I promised myself this time, I will not wait so long to remove the tags and wear it.

A Wooded Trail and a Beautiful Friendship

Despite the whirlwind of these first few weeks back on campus, I have found freedom here. These friendships are something divine. The Lord has sovereignly and lovingly weaved the intricate threads of our lives together and He has made a beautiful thing. There is something to be said about people who will support and love you despite your brokenness. I am learning that we are all broken people; there is no need to try and hide it.  These ladies get that.  We can laugh, cry, and stay up until the sun begins to break through the sky and share life- the good and the ugly.  Although our paths begin and possibly end in different zip codes, for the present we are blessed to encourage each other and walk through this chapter of our journeys together. 

Today, I got to go on a walk with my dear friend Laura. The thing about this Laura girl is that even if its been months, when we reunite, we pick up immediately and it seems no time has passed at all. As we walked along the wooded trails next to the water, I got to see a better glimpse of her heart for people and her passions in life.  She is truly a poster child for all things Colorado and Granola. She can rock a Patagonia and some chacos with the best of them. Her life moves at this steady pace that I admire greatly. She does not feel the need to always be around people or busy herself just to seem super involved. She is content with studying at Starbucks with a venti iced coffee. She has this quiet peace about her that makes my planning, anxious self relax a bit.  

Today, she taught me to walk slower.  

I think today, I stopped to breathe for the first time in months. In the woods walking next to the water, I didn't feel the need to plan or question or find something to do. Instead, I simply took in all of God’s creation around me. I am beyond thankful for friends who continually speak truth into my life: whether with words or by their actions. So often I look for the Lord frantically as I try to find the best place to read or posture to pray in but I truly believe He watches and thinks “Rebekah, just open your eyes and breathe”  for His beauty can be found in His creation.

Some Days it Rains

 There are days that pass saturated with encouragement from people, happy prayers to God, and a complete knowledge of his presence in our lives. These days are sweet ones in which you can hear him above the street noise and the many worldly voices. On those days, smiling seems involuntary and everything seems to point to the Lord; the sun shines brightly bathing the earth with her glow, and everything is vibrant with rich hues of green, blue, and orange. The Bible is easily defendable and encouraging and our prayers are streams of gratitude and love. Jesus is a savior who loves and wants the best life for us and sometimes it seems he is begging for us to know him while God is a smiling old man in the sky. We mark our faith by the bumper stickers on our cars or our membership to a particular church.

 And then some days it rains. Not the kind you see in movies with a light sky with echoes of a soft pitter patter on tin roofs but the torrential downpour which is seemingly endless. The kind of rain that drenches, soaks you to the bone, and leaves you with chills impossible to shake off as you enter school or your workplace. Its relentlessly pelts against your windshield making it difficult to drive and unapologetically interrupts your life. Sometimes, the lists of what we are thankful for are left blank, drowned out by the number of heartaches and disappointments. A hail Mary at a football game seems more likely than hearing from God and pulling a chair up to the open Bible on the table leaves you with more doubt and confusion than answers. These are the kind of days most people are afraid of. I was told once that questioning and doubting were products of a lack of faith and were dishonoring to God. It was as if questioning the things before me would somehow hurt that great man in the Sky and shatter everything. I was afraid to ask and my prayers were filled with halfhearted phrases of gratitude and thankfulness. But the truth is, some days are hard. There are moments of pain, sorrow, immense grief, and even depression in our lives and trying to pretend they do not exist to not make them any less real. There are some things that seem impossible to believe in the Bible but I think it was designed that way. For if we simple minded beings could wrap our minds around everything written in its pages, we would not be any different from our creator. Our complete understanding would diminish his omniscience. 

  I have learned the past year that God does not need long-winded prayers filled with pithy sayings. I doubt even the Saints prayers were wrought with flowery words- for their prayers seemed too desperate for that. Miguel de Molinos wrote a piece called The Spiritual Guide Which Disentangles the Soul. In it, he mentions there are two types of prayers. "The one tender, delightful, amicable, and full of sentiments; the other obscure, dry, desolate, tempted, and darksome". He does not make note of the latter to imply one should remain in a place of aridity in spiritual life but he uses it to call out the reality of life. He calls the second the "Life of Men" belonging to those who "fight and war against their own passions" as they are sanctified. I have also learned that Jesus is not a man to be pitied; rather he is a Warrior King. He does not simply ask us to believe him and be happy. He loves us too much to let us stop there. He calls us to make a choice. It is a decision whether to continue on our own disillusioned path or to follow him. To step out onto the water and truly trust him. For in this kind of radical abandonment, we will truly know him much deeper than we would a man we praise for our personal success and prosperity. Church was never meant to be a country club for the community's socialites. Lord knows we do not need another place to parade our beautiful clothes and deliver pleasantries. Instead, it is a body of broken people like you and me who recognize their desperate need for a savior. 

 There may be times where singing about his goodness while witnessing death and suffering may be nearly impossible. Doubts may mount higher than certainties and frustrations may overcome peace and joy. But you know what? The beauty is that our creator is not just a feeble old man in the sky who calls for pretense. He is a sovereign Lord whose power and glory cannot be diminished by our questioning. He lets us come to his table and He tells us there is room. Room for our doubts and our fears. Because He is big enough for those things.