To those who are over Jesus and done with Church

  I get it. Throughout college and in my time the past few months, I have sat across the table from numerous people and listened as words tumbled out of their mouths in sometimes defeated and other times emphatic order that they have no need for Jesus. So this post is written from my heart to the person who has grown up in church and is over it and the student who is sick of people muttering “bless her heart” under their breath when they see you with a Jack Daniel and clothes that cling to your skin.

 Not too long ago, I remember a raw conversation I had with a close friend about life. We met to catch up after being apart for a while but I will never forget that day. She looked me straight in the eyes as I asked how life had been and her unwavering response was "I just do not know if I can buy it anymore. I just don't think I need Jesus".  

  I admit the former version of myself would have been terrified of those words. In fact, I would have wanted to run from the table as fast as I could leaving only the tip on the table and a meek "Ill pray for you" in my wake. There was no space for questioning God in my theology and my view of life was centered around doing good "churchy" things. Attend church events-good. Dress modestly-good. Pray every day and have a "quiet time"-good. Date a Christian guy-good. Don't drink or party-good. Go to church camp-good. There was no place for doubting God and not needing Jesus in my list. Although these things helped me live a decent life, it wasn't until I realized years later that I was not really living a Godly life. I did all the right things, I even "served God" and learned about Him, but I did not actually get to know Him fully. To be honest- it's simply because I never asked. I saw my relationship with God as this distant obligatory relationship in which I read His word or lived because I was told to. One day I failed -because inevitably we all do- and I had to make this choice. I believe we all have this choice to make at some point in our lives. A pivotal moment in which we finally get to decide how to live our lives and what we will believe in. This moment occurs at different points, many experience it in college when they are away from family, friends, and their community and experience freedom to explore and they run in it. Some come across this moment in adulthood after a tragic experience and yet others find it even as students in high school desiring independence and wanting to find their place in this world. 

  My moment came my freshman year of college when I decided to read the Bible from beginning to end. I am not an ambitious let's tackle this thing in a year type of person but I definitely did not realize the questioning I would have for the next three years as I went through this book. Each night, it was just me and God and a daunting amount of words. I wish I could say it was my favorite part of my day- but I would be lying. As I read through there were times when I grew angry with the picture I saw of God.  Often it just did not settle well and it would take days for me to want to pick it up and keep trekking. I began to question things I had been taught my entire life, whether God truly was just and loving, and I started doubting whether I could believe this. It was in this season of immense wrestling that I realized there were things in the Bible that could not be explained, stories difficult to digest, and pictures of God my humanness just wanted to flee from. I took a class months later called Biblical Perspectives. It was the first time someone had ever asked me whether I believed it all and I felt I could say I'm not sure. The beauty of that room where students gathered once a week was that we were taught. Not just watered down stories of the bible and a quick three point application for our lives but the professor went through it all. He taught us the history of the Bible, the historical view of Jesus, he highlighted areas in the bible that seemed to contradict and he had a way of seeking out the grey areas- he didn't run from them like I had been taught my whole life. He was the first person I met that did not seem afraid of them. He did not feel it was his job to make us believe the Bible more than it was to teach it nor did he feel it was his responsibility to uphold Jesus or else He would come crashing down.  He had this quiet, steady faith that even if someone doubted, Jesus would still be who He was and the world would not crumble. 

    As I slowly read through the Old Testament I realized it was filled with men and women just like myself. I found comfort in Psalms as I read the heart's cry of David. He was raw, he was brutally honest, he questioned, he cried out, and through it all, he sought after the very heart of God. The Prophet Jeremiah questions God about the prosperity of the wicked when he was knee deep in his ministry while people were plotting to kill him. The opening sentence of Habakkuk is How long O Lord must I call for help but you do not listen or cry out to you, 'Violence' but you do not save? What a bold way to approach the Lord and when I first read it I was shocked. These passages when against everything I was taught. Trusting in God means not questioning his sovereignty and plans but here were men who questioned the heart of God and you know what happened? The Lord did not cease to be God because He was questioned, He did not kill them because they asked. No, he answered them. In different ways and perhaps not in the exact questions they asked but He responds. He does not remain silent forever. Even in the New Testament when the disciples often failed to see who Jesus truly was. He did not cast them away when they asked questions but instead he taught them. 

  As I poured over the Bible and wrestled daily, something changed in my heart. My quiet time often was not so quiet. It was filled with tears, angry questions, and confusion but it was real. My prayers were not simply lists of thanking God and asking for help but I was crying out from the depths of my soul. My soul ached wanting to be shown something. Anything. For the first time in my life, I wanted to know who God was. If He was real, if I could trust Him, If I could really give it all up for Him. Instead of memorizing scripture for the sake of it, I was pouring over these ancient words searching for evidence of the heart of God. It was in this storm that I found Jesus. I learned what it meant for God to be sovereign and I finally saw what He was asking of me. It wasn't for me to go to every event at church, to pray three times a day or have a daily quiet time. His main concern wasn't that I didn't sit a a bar with friends on the weekend or wear a bikini at the beach. He wanted my heart. He wanted me to surrender it all. Truly, he wanted me to know Him. I cannot deny that parts of the Bible were difficult to digest, especially when he allowed people to die or seemed harsh in the Old Testament. At first, I thought perhaps this God was not someone I really wanted to serve. I would read about his covenants, how he promised to deliver His people from bondage, how he would heal, and how he was faithful yet see people suffering, entire people groups killed and my mind could not reconcile the two. I asked the Lord to show me His character, his heart, and for me to have eyes to see apart from my own tainted human eyes and friends, He did. He did not have to and he simply  could have said 'because I said so'. Instead, I kept coming across the words  I am. At first, I was angry that those were the only words. three letters. Hardly even a sentence, yet for some reason thats what He gave me. All I could think of each day was You are what... Who are you? Each days I asked those same questions and I searching for something, anything that would tell me what that even meant. Slowly, I began to see God as hope for a nation who lived in bondage. I saw him as deliverer as he promised a new land, and faithful despite all that happened, he held onto his beautiful promise of a remnant. He never forgot his people, often disciplines them but never abandoned them completely. I finally understood grace, why Christ came, and why I needed Jesus. Jesus was no longer an evil man who judged me and wished ill will, or even a weak man who had to beg for an audience or pleaded for people to believe Him. I saw him as a King, a mighty warrior who came into this fallen world because He believed I was worth it, you were worth it. 

  So as I found myself face to face with my dear friend, I looked into her eyes and recognized the same aching in her soul. I read behind her words to the root question that surely this was not it. Instead of shying away like I would have before, I saw hope in her wavering "belief". In fact, I admired her candidness. As she talked about her anger towards Christians judging, hearing the same watered down messages at school and church, and no evidence of true change from the world, I realized that perhaps she wasn't over Jesus, but the idea we have made of him. Her heart was not fully committed to abandoning the gospel but it was this American Dream Religion she was desperately fleeing from. "You probably think I'm crazy" she said as she rattled off in exasperated tones. I assured her that was far from the truth. In fact, I was relieved and almost joyful that this girl who I loved was not willing to settle for this idea of God, for her heart knew there was something deeper there and she unknowingly was setting out to seek after it. 

   Just as the Lord answered me in those dark nights of the soul where I thought perhaps it was all for naught, I knew he would reveal himself to her. She was not able to settle with this Jesus that we have made to compete with the world. We have events, big productions, and try to make him relevant and cool to compete with things in life but the truth is that isn't how He came the first time and she knew she would not find him there again. Instead, he came quietly into the world, in the most simplistic of ways. He never demanded attention or begged for followers. He certainly never asked to be invited into people's hearts. He came with the gospel for the poor preaching freedom for the captives, restoring sight of the blind, and setting the oppressed free. He asked people to follow Him, to recognize He was the Savior, and to be Lord of their lives. He did not ask for us to just wear a tshirt with his name on it, go to a building on Sundays all dressed up, offer a small prayer for our food at a meal, or even tweet our favorite verses or all the ways we are serving him . He asked us to abandon everything for the sake of following Him. 

   I knew as my dear friend began to search, she could never fully want Jesus until she knew what his death had to do with her. She could not follow Christ until she realized she had to die to everything else. She could not get the importance until she saw that she played a part in his death and that his victory is what gives her life. She would not know that she even wanted God until she asked and searched. In the same way, I have compete faith that the Lord can open hearts, He will answer, and He will not cease to be God simply because someone asks. 

New name, new adventures, and lots of laughter

   

 Six months ago, I had no idea what adventures would await as I walked down the aisle lined with wooden pews and smiling faces of family and friends basically like family.  I remember Anna’s beautiful voice and as I held my dad’s arm, I heard him whisper it’s almost time, but remember you’re always by princess. As we took the first steps I looked around the barn and saw the faces of people I loved more than life smiling back. I saw the windows, draping fabric, twinkling lights, and jars of baby’s-breath decorated with such love and care. I saw all the women who were sisters to me standing in varying shades of cream and brown. I saw my sweet mama in her blue lace dress next to all of my family. I saw my new family, the people who were graciously welcoming me into their lives and sharing their namesake. Then, I saw my best friend, standing at the end of the aisle in his new grey suit. I knew, the moment I saw him that today would be the start of an adventure. Travis spoke the sweetest words on marriage and pronounced us husband and wife and from that moment on, we have not looked back.