Today I wore a cape. It was my first little act of rebellion in a while. For so long I’ve struggled to branch out of my comfortable safe articles of clothing in my wardrobe and break out the spontaneous purchases. You know, the ones you try on with your friends and under normal circumstances you would leave on the hanger where it would safely remain in the dressing room until the next bold uninhibited person would find it. For some reason I bought this cape on a whim with every intention of finding a way to wear it. Yet this morning, I found it hidden in my closet unworn and decided that perhaps today was the day. So after much debate over what people would say, I put it on, walked out of the door, and felt a little freer.
This freedom is not from magical powers this cape has. It is much deeper than that. This freedom is birthed out of a realization that I am not bound by people’s opinions or my own uncertainties.
For so long, I have created a safe world for myself. A world in which I wear the same clothes, style my hair in the same part, order a cheese quesadilla at every Mexican restaurant, and continue to plan my future. The last is the main point of this entry. It’s not really about the cape, its about the action behind donning it. Its about letting go and stepping out into the uncertainties of the world.
After a very long heart to heart with my dear friend Abby last night, I realized how rigid my future plans were formed in my mind. For so long I have dreamt and longed to live in a foreign country and do mission work overseas. I wanted to be known by doing great things for the Lord. Now at their core, those things are not sinful or wrong at all, but the problem lies in the second sentence. I wanted to be known. I wanted people to see my life and think “man she is such a cool girl, look at her heart for the Lord”. As Abby so wisely said, since when are we called to be great? We are called to serve the Lord with our lives and do things for his glory, but the error in my thinking is that I wanted to do things for God but receive the recognition for it. I admit this is not an easy post to write because it is incredibly humbling. Regardless of my good intentions, part of me still wanted the glory. Much like my closet, I have had my life compartmentalized for quite some time. I felt comfortable with the idea I had formed in my head of my future ministry. This past semester I have been freaking out because I feel the Lord is calling me in a different direction. As much as I keep trying to put on my safe jeans and the Loft solid shirt, I felt like I was supposed to branch out a bit. I am so thankful we serve a relentless, loving, and merciful God because I know I have been quite the stubborn child. Something Abby reminded me of is that even good things can become idols in our lives. My future plans were just that- an idol.
I had this fantasy in my head of what I would be doing and I assumed that as long as I put for the Lord at the end of it, I was okay. I would travel the world and help people for the Lord. I greatly wanted to take a semester off of college and live in a foreign country for the Lord. I wanted to adopt 12 kids for the Lord. Now hear my heart these are all GOOD things and may very well be right and what the Lord is calling people to do and that is good! If he is calling you to do this, then by all means DO IT!! Personally, as much as I would love to do these things, they were more of an escape route for me. I wanted the title that came along with them and it seemed easier to serve God in a foreign context rather than right where I am now. Perhaps the Lord does have these plans in store of my future, but then again maybe not. What I have had to ask myself is If not, will I still follow him wholeheartedly without bitterness in my heart.
For so long, I have been trying to fit pieces together of a puzzle the Lord has not designed for me.
I pray that somehow this encourages you. No one has it all together and there is beauty in letting go. Letting go of your own plans, letting go of your own rigid schedule, and letting go of caring what others think. Next to the cape in my closet is a gold sparkly dress draped on a hanger, another one of my on-a-whim purchases. I promised myself this time, I will not wait so long to remove the tags and wear it.
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