Some Days it Rains

 There are days that pass saturated with encouragement from people, happy prayers to God, and a complete knowledge of his presence in our lives. These days are sweet ones in which you can hear him above the street noise and the many worldly voices. On those days, smiling seems involuntary and everything seems to point to the Lord; the sun shines brightly bathing the earth with her glow, and everything is vibrant with rich hues of green, blue, and orange. The Bible is easily defendable and encouraging and our prayers are streams of gratitude and love. Jesus is a savior who loves and wants the best life for us and sometimes it seems he is begging for us to know him while God is a smiling old man in the sky. We mark our faith by the bumper stickers on our cars or our membership to a particular church.

 And then some days it rains. Not the kind you see in movies with a light sky with echoes of a soft pitter patter on tin roofs but the torrential downpour which is seemingly endless. The kind of rain that drenches, soaks you to the bone, and leaves you with chills impossible to shake off as you enter school or your workplace. Its relentlessly pelts against your windshield making it difficult to drive and unapologetically interrupts your life. Sometimes, the lists of what we are thankful for are left blank, drowned out by the number of heartaches and disappointments. A hail Mary at a football game seems more likely than hearing from God and pulling a chair up to the open Bible on the table leaves you with more doubt and confusion than answers. These are the kind of days most people are afraid of. I was told once that questioning and doubting were products of a lack of faith and were dishonoring to God. It was as if questioning the things before me would somehow hurt that great man in the Sky and shatter everything. I was afraid to ask and my prayers were filled with halfhearted phrases of gratitude and thankfulness. But the truth is, some days are hard. There are moments of pain, sorrow, immense grief, and even depression in our lives and trying to pretend they do not exist to not make them any less real. There are some things that seem impossible to believe in the Bible but I think it was designed that way. For if we simple minded beings could wrap our minds around everything written in its pages, we would not be any different from our creator. Our complete understanding would diminish his omniscience. 

  I have learned the past year that God does not need long-winded prayers filled with pithy sayings. I doubt even the Saints prayers were wrought with flowery words- for their prayers seemed too desperate for that. Miguel de Molinos wrote a piece called The Spiritual Guide Which Disentangles the Soul. In it, he mentions there are two types of prayers. "The one tender, delightful, amicable, and full of sentiments; the other obscure, dry, desolate, tempted, and darksome". He does not make note of the latter to imply one should remain in a place of aridity in spiritual life but he uses it to call out the reality of life. He calls the second the "Life of Men" belonging to those who "fight and war against their own passions" as they are sanctified. I have also learned that Jesus is not a man to be pitied; rather he is a Warrior King. He does not simply ask us to believe him and be happy. He loves us too much to let us stop there. He calls us to make a choice. It is a decision whether to continue on our own disillusioned path or to follow him. To step out onto the water and truly trust him. For in this kind of radical abandonment, we will truly know him much deeper than we would a man we praise for our personal success and prosperity. Church was never meant to be a country club for the community's socialites. Lord knows we do not need another place to parade our beautiful clothes and deliver pleasantries. Instead, it is a body of broken people like you and me who recognize their desperate need for a savior. 

 There may be times where singing about his goodness while witnessing death and suffering may be nearly impossible. Doubts may mount higher than certainties and frustrations may overcome peace and joy. But you know what? The beauty is that our creator is not just a feeble old man in the sky who calls for pretense. He is a sovereign Lord whose power and glory cannot be diminished by our questioning. He lets us come to his table and He tells us there is room. Room for our doubts and our fears. Because He is big enough for those things.